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  for Lucie

  whirligig, n.

  1. A mechanical instrument or toy that whirls or rotates.

  2. A fickle, giddy or inconstant person.

  3. An instrument of punishment or torture.

  -Prologue-

  Nimble Men, Blue Men and Green Ladies

  ‘What can I be, then?’ he said.

  The girl paused, looking at the boy. They stood there, blinking dumbly at each other. Her eyes were sky blue, his mud brown. They had been alone in the glade for only a minute so far, and the rules of the game had not yet been established, except that she was Princess of Land-under-Waves.

  ‘Um…’ She hooked her finger in her mouth. He was tubby and awkward, this boy. An ill-fitting, thick-knit jumper barely covered his round tummy. His wellies were too big and had no mud on them, and he had on an alarmingly yellow cagoule. She would not have chosen this boy to play with, but he was the only other child for miles around. Anyway, she was curious about his tight curls of bright-orange hair. She had rarely seen such electrically ginger hair, and she had lived in Scotland all her life.

  ‘You can be Black Pig,’ she said at last.

  The boy squinted at the girl, wondering what to do. He didn’t play much with girls. At school he stuck very much to the weed-strewn edges of the playground, consorting only with the fat and the spastic. Of that group, he could be the leader. This girl was younger than him by two years, but he felt somehow junior. She was pretty with her long black careless hair and red corduroy dress, and it was her grandmother’s house. The girl had taken charge of the game as soon as the grown-ups had gone back towards the vast and imposing house with their gins and tonics and crystal laughter. He was frightened of the house. It was a castle, or very nearly, and had turrets that reminded him of bats. And he was frightened of the garden. It was overgrown, huge, and drippingly moist even though this was summer. The girl was proprietress of everything here, but he was not going to be owned by her, and did not like the idea of being ‘Black Pig’.

  ‘Why can’t I be The Man?’

  ‘What man?’ she said, pulling strands of hair from her eyes.

  ‘That man you said.’

  The girl continued to stare at the boy, her nose screwed up in confusion.

  ‘You said there was a man,’ he said uncertainly. ‘And another man as well.’

  ‘Oh!’ The girl gave a patronising giggle. ‘There are Nimble Men, Blue Men and Green Ladies. It’s a Scottish story from the Olden Days, called a miff.’

  ‘OK. Yeah.’ He knew what a myth was, and chose not to correct her. It simply wasn’t worth adding more incomprehension to the dynamic.

  ‘Well,’ began the girl, ‘you can’t be any of them, because you don’t know how to reel.’

  The fact is, as the girl explained to him, there is no point trying to teach an English boy who can’t dance how to do so. At least, not when the boy is ten, and you yourself are eight. But she didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

  ‘Black Pig is what they used to call the devil,’ she went on. She stared again at the chaotic nest of ginger hair on the boy’s head, and added, ‘Come on, it’ll be fun.’

  The boy had to admit to himself that playing the part of The Devil did sound fun. But he did not like the imputation that he was less of a Scot than her. He was half Scottish, as his mother reminded him whenever they came on these trips to Scotland to rent a holiday cottage with Granny – although only then. His mother had, for her own convenience, dropped her Glaswegian accent some years ago. But he was reminded of his heritage every time he had to say his first name. ‘Gordon’ might be normal in Scotland, but in southern England it received a moment’s hesitation. Just a stutter in the air. But it wasn’t his first name or being ‘a Jock’ that got Gordon routinely bullied at low-to-medium intensity. Anyway, he thought, this girl could be no more than half Scottish. His parents had armed him with the knowledge that her father, an Indian man who now lived in America and taught people about Indian philosophy, had left her and her Scottish mother long ago. He knew that this was information he should not use. It might be racialist.

  So Gordon knuckled down to the game, adapting his cagoule to become a diabolical cape. He even made her laugh with his impression of The Devil. ‘Noo, har har!’ he cackled, and swooped around the glade while she danced in the middle. This continued companionably enough for a while. But they both stopped dead when they saw the other boy.

  He was tall and languid, with a shaggy thatch of blond hair, and he told them that his name was Harry in a way that made it clear he was already at Big School. He may as well have been a million years older.

  ‘My name’s Coky,’ said the girl, and they smiled at each other, blinking in the sunlight.

  ‘What’s your name?’ Harry had turned to the open-mouthed fat ginger boy at his elbow.

  Gordon hesitated. He had never felt aware of his accent before. Compared to Coky’s gentle tones, and Harry’s soft Western Isles whistle, he felt that his English-English would grate. So he changed it, in what he hoped would be a subtle way.

  ‘Moi name uss Goordun, so it uss,’ said Gordon. Instantly he knew he had made a terrible mistake. If Coky and Harry had been cross, he would have understood. But their reaction was worse. They paused, both looking at him for a moment in the same distracted fashion, then turned to each other.

  ‘We’re playing a game,’ said Coky, grabbing Harry’s hand and dragging him to the centre of the clearing. ‘I’m the Green Lady, and you can be the Nimble Man. Can you dance a reel?’

  ‘Aye,’ said Harry simply.

  Coky gave Harry the additional title of King of Land-under-Waves. As they prepared themselves, Gordon asked, in his own voice this time, what Black Pig should do in this new game. He knew the answer before she gave it.

  ‘Oh,’ she paused, and bit her lip. ‘Black Pig isn’t really part of this game.’

  Gordon squinted stupidly as the two other children began to dance and sing. Intricate and deeply coded, this was dancing as Gordon had never seen it before. It had endless twirls, claps and steps that he couldn’t fathom. It looked like it repeated, but just as he thought he knew what was going to happen next, it seemed to change. The girl tripped and skipped under Harry’s careful hands, and they linked arms and twirled each other, and Coky’s long black hair bounced and flicked, seeming to Gordon to dance its own jig. Then they sang together:

  Where are the folk, like the folk of the West?

  Canty and couthy, and kindly the best.

  Gordon removed his cagoule silently, and it lay on the ground like the mangled corpse of a canary. He moved away behind a tree to watch a little more. They did not notice his absence and continued with their dance and their song.

  Westering home, and a song in the air,

  Light in the eye, and it’s goodbye to care.

  Gordon turned and slunk quietly away from the glade.

  Used to being alone, he resolved to find something to do that was better than stupid old dancing. But he stomped his boots on the damp ground as he continued walking, to make some noise and give him some confidence in the face of the garden’s dark and jungly presence. He pushed past odd and exotic trees and bushes, and swatted away fat flies, walking until he could no longer hear the laughter from Coky and Harry, and was lost.

  As he wandered in the scary garden, it gave Gordon satisfaction to know that if he were killed by a ti
ger or an axe-murderer, the inevitable prison sentence the other children would serve would be justice for excluding him from the game. Nonetheless, when he emerged onto a patch of level ground and came upon a set of outhouses, he sighed deeply. Signs of nature being tamed by man came as profound relief.

  The barn in the middle of the outhouses had a red tractor parked outside it, to which Gordon was automatically drawn. But as he came closer to the large barn doors, the sound of grown-up voices coming from inside made him check his ungainly stomp. There was something about the tone in the voices that made him cling silently to the wall as he approached. Crouching down outside the doors, he listened. No words were discernable, but he could tell that the man’s voice was that of his father, speaking softly.

  Gordon was cheered. His loud, fat, balding, ginger dad, who always made Gordon’s mother laugh with his silly jokes, and drank whisky whenever he was home, was close at hand. Mostly he was Abroad, doing something with numbers that Gordon could not explain. It was the cause of much celebration in their suburban semi that his father was now being paid enough money for Gordon to be sent, next term, to a school with blazers where everyone called you by your surname. Apparently this was a good thing.

  Gordon straightened, about to open the door and stride into the barn. Then there was a woman’s voice, and he stopped. His mother’s voice was always chirrupy, even when admonishing him – which was rare. This was a lower, soupier voice. Was this voice persuading? Denying? Gordon couldn’t tell, but he could tell this was grown-up talk, and he turned to go. He would go and find his mother. Where there was Mum, there was food.

  Walking around the back of the barn, though, he saw that there was a ladder with perhaps twenty rungs on it, propped up against a small window which would allow him to see into the barn. Gordon would dearly have loved to possess a stronger James Bond reflex but actual adventure seemed always to be defeated by inertia masquerading as caution. Now, though, he tested the ladder for strength, and it seemed secure enough, so he climbed it. Halfway up, Gordon had to steel himself. His legs felt wobbly, and he took a moment to decide to continue upwards to investigate what SPECTRE was up to.

  At the top of the ladder, quietly humming to himself to ward off his unease, Gordon brushed away some of the cobwebs and dust on the window. At first he could see nothing, other than some pale shapes moving. He rubbed the window again, and through the smudges and the dust on the other side of the window he began to see more. He could see hay bales. He could see some large rusty farming tools, hanging menacingly on the walls. And he could see human shapes. The bald, gingery mess was certainly reminiscent of his father, but there was something wrong. That raw and constant laugh, like cigarettes and gravel, had stopped, and there was altogether too much pink in the hazy picture framed before his eyes.

  Gordon rubbed the window once more, and he peered again. Then he saw something he did not understand.

  The grown-ups were sitting at a table on the thistly and mossy lawn, with a white tablecloth pinned down by many empty bottles. Present, besides Gordon’s mother, were Gordon’s grandmother, engaged in conversation with an old man with a white moustache, Coky’s grandmother, looking as if she needed a nap, and a couple that Gordon took to be Harry’s parents. His mother greeted him.

  ‘Everything all right, darling?’ she asked, and began automatically to make him a cheese sandwich.

  Gordon muttered a ‘yeah’, but he squirmed when she tried to put her arm around him, aware of the gaze from the other adults.

  ‘Can I have the Lotus Esprit?’ he said, and slunk behind his mother’s chair.

  ‘All right, lovey. Here we are,’ said his mother, dipping into her handbag and presenting Gordon with a white model car, the numberplate ‘007’. Gordon could feel, as he dipped below the tabletop, that he was being discussed with silent looks, and possibly with words being mouthed. He didn’t care. He was acting shy because he did not want to be quizzed about why he was on his own. Not yet, anyway.

  When Gordon had been there for a few minutes, his father and a dark-haired woman arrived at the table. He watched them carefully from underneath the table, examining his father for signs of injury or distress, but there appeared to be none. Gordon’s father usually got a bit red in the face after lunch, and even more so when he went for a walk. The dark-haired woman sat breezily at the table. Gordon had never seen such hair: a mass of raven-black corkscrews that slunk gracefully about her neck and shoulders like seaweed in the tide. She gave a symposium on her views about the imminent demise of the Thatcher government in the upcoming election; a lecture on how the Soviets were going to invade West Germany; and news of her flirtation with Elton John at a social engagement the previous month, and the fact that she was, as a result, contemplating marriage to the long-haired pop star.

  Gordon had not seen the children approaching. Harry and Coky were suddenly at the table. Coky had Gordon’s yellow cagoule in her arms, and placed it on a chair.

  ‘Who wants a 7-Up?’ said Gordon’s mother to the newcomers.

  When the exotic fizzy drink had been distributed to all three children, Gordon’s grandmother beckoned him over and whispered in his ear. He could feel the hairs on her upper lip and smell the sweet beige powder she put on her wrinkly face.

  ‘Hello, piglet. Did the other children let you join in?’

  Gordon looked at Coky across the table. She caught his eye and gave a tentative smile. He calculated that she could not have heard his grandmother’s question and would not be able to hear the reply. Still, he hesitated to answer.

  ‘I won’t tell,’ added Gordon’s grandmother conspiratorially. ‘I just want to know whether you got left out of the games again.’

  He took a moment, looking reluctant, and calculating. Then he answered.

  ‘It was both of them,’ Gordon whispered to his grandmother. ‘The boy tied me up and the girl kicked me.’

  In the car, it wasn’t long before Gordon’s father began the lecture. Gordon was told that he shouldn’t tell tales. He was also told that he shouldn’t lie, which Gordon’s father clearly suspected. And yet – and Gordon really couldn’t understand this instruction because it struck him as such an inherent contradiction – he was also told to ‘stick up for himself’ and that he needed to ‘toughen up a bit’. Gordon could never get the hang of the difference – and apparently there was one – between ‘sticking up for yourself’ and retaliation. Surely, if you wished to exact revenge, you had to use whatever means were available to you? Gordon decided silently to absorb the lecture, even though he did not regret his actions and had in fact achieved what he wanted to achieve extremely efficiently. Hadn’t he?

  He replayed what had occurred in his head.

  Gordon’s grandmother had immediately and utterly betrayed an explicit confidence by publicly accusing Harry and Coky of bullying. Appalled, Harry’s parents had immediately weighed in with a series of questions for their son. Harry, nonplussed, had ably defended himself and Coky. But during Harry’s defence of himself Coky had started to cry, making both her and Harry appear guilty. Gordon’s father had then asked Gordon whether he was telling the truth. Gordon stuck to his lie, even embellishing a little by explaining where it still hurt. As a result of the pressure he was under, it was no great acting feat for him also to cry. All the adults then waded in with their opinions as to what had happened. When impasse had been reached, and both Harry and Gordon were red with indignation, Gordon’s father had diffused the situation by saying it was getting late and that perhaps they should leave. While the adults were apologising to each other tensely, saying ‘it was nothing’, and ‘please don’t worry yourself’, the children had stood glowering at each other. The dark-haired woman had prolonged the embarrassment by insisting on taking a group photograph.

  Gordon now sat in the back seat of the Hillman Hunter, computing his victory while he watched the quickening rain. This hiatus was broken only when his mother silently smuggled him a boiled sweet. By the time the sweet was o
ver, he decided that it was now time to clear up the other matter that had been niggling at him.

  ‘Dad, why were you fighting that woman?’

  Instantly, Gordon’s mother looked not at Gordon, but at her husband. Gordon’s father did not take his eyes off the road, and said nothing. Gordon was pleased to have gauged the mood correctly. They had clearly forgiven him for his misdemeanour enough to have a different conversation.

  ‘How do you mean, Gordon?’ asked his mother in a voice even higher than her usual one.

  ‘I don’t think the boy knows what –’ began his father.

  ‘Oh for goodness’ sake, shut up, Geoffrey!’ barked his mother with sudden and uncharacteristic viciousness. After a short silence, Gordon’s mother encouraged Gordon to continue.

  ‘Well,’ said Gordon, sensing now that he was completely off the hook. ‘You were in that barn with the red tractor, and she was fighting you. The woman with the dark hair. Had you had an argument?’

  But there was no response from his father.

  ‘Did you stick up for yourself?’ asked Gordon.

  That seemed to do the trick. His parents were silent again, and remained so for the rest of the journey.

  -1-

  With Death comes honesty.

  The Satanic Verses, Salman Rushdie

  Pink’s, like many of the white-stuccoed buildings of St James’s, is a private members’ club. Some regard these clubs as not so much ‘private’ as ‘secret’, and certainly there are only two facts about Pink’s which appear in the public domain. The first is that the club has recently inherited the bulk of the estate of the artist James Hoogstratten, R.A. This ran into millions, and the club’s members have voted not to take the £30,000 each that they were due by the club’s constitution. Instead, they ploughed the entire windfall into boosting the quality and size of Pink’s wine cellar, and in acquiring van Gogh’s The Beech Tree, which now hangs modestly at the bottom of the main staircase. The second fact that is known about Pink’s is its strict dress code.